my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
3 2 1 whiskey
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
