It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
