well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
