never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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