I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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