i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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