im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
