I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
