You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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