My sheets look like a crime scene.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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