I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
