Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
