Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
