so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you had me at cake vodka
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Randomize
