Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize