how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I looked at my own cervix.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
