i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
