i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
