ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
