Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
