Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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