I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Randomize
