Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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