just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
