Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The beer is more important than you right now.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
