I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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