He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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