I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
