the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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