Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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