Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize