I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
