i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
