Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
