there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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