I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
