Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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