i was born a porn star she said
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize