I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
