woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize