I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
