I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Everything about him screamed your future.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Every concussion has its silver lining
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
