I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
