Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
