1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
