There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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