Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
