u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
