I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
