They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
