i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
