Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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