I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
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