my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
