it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
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