I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
