Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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