I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if only i could text you this smell
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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