Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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