Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
