I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
