This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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