So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
