Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
