meet me or not, i'm out of control
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
