Your mouth is God's brothel.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You took a bar mat shot.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Randomize
